Wednesday, September 23, 2009

what a drag it is getting old

well, i was actually reading a beatles article,
but it was in the rolling stone.
so there.

i spent yesterday afternoon in the dermatologist's office. waiting mostly. but i've been waiting since may/june, so a few more hours were no sweat. plus i had zero kids with me. hence the beatles article.

she comes in. coolest* derm doc ever.
love her. see her every few years.

"so what's up?" she says.
"my face, my hair, my fingernails, my moles." i say.
we break it on down. 'cause we are hip.

my face
i have acne. i hate it. had it since i was 13. everyday. every. day.
so over it.
she looks at my face with a magnifying glass. horrifying.
"what are you using?"
"i've tried proactiv."
"oh, that's for teenagers, not old ladies like us."
oh no she didn't just include me in her old lady club.
"now i use a scrub with salicylic acid."
"that is the wrong stuff for old ladies."
oh yes she did.

my hair
"let's talk hair."
"it falls out."
"falls out?"
"in handfuls, most everyday."
"uh-huh, you are getting older."
"great."

my fingernails
"your fingernails?"
"they are dry and brittle, crack-y."
"you're old."
"thought so."

my moles
this part was completely mortifying. out came the magnifying glass, again. she looked everywhere. armpits, elbows, fanny, with extra special attention to my muffin top/belly, which has a "birth mole" on it. sexy. she dictated sizes of various spots to her nurse, and then said, "mild to moderate sun damage."

"did you get many sunburns in your youth?"
"yes."
trying to ignore in your youth.
"did you use suntan oil?"
"yes."
didn't everyone?
"any other concerns?"
"how about this one? it is new."
"age spot."
"and this one?"
"age spot."
"this one?"
"ditto."
"this one, this one, this one?"
"age spots, and you are going to get more..."

let's say it together,
"as you get older."

so i guess the good news is that although i am old,
i am not really, really old.
and so much more derm stuff to look forward to. yay.

*she totally did a knuckle bump with me because it is flu season.
told ya. way cool.


6 comments:

One Sided Momma said...

I came *this close* to waking up the sleeping mouse-lings from laughing right the hell out loud at this post- you are brilliantly hysterical and so not a member of the old ladies club no matter what hip derm doc says.

pajama mom said...

~knuckle bump~

Anonymous said...

seriously, your posts are way too funny. you need to have your own show, or be a writer for a show.

Laura K

One Sided Momma said...

i agree w/laura k completely.

Cristie Ritz King said...

Oh my god I have no idea what to say because I can't think past the laughter.
You did give me relief that I don't have skin cancer though-just age spots. Phew.;)
Also, let's talk acne-seriously I have your fix. I swear.

pajama mom said...

she gave me some stuff to try for three months, if it doesn't work, i'm all yours...