sunday confession

i have more drafts about our house
than any other topic.

i have written about
how i hate our house,
how i love our house,
how our house is too small,
how our house is perfect,
how our house is ugly,
how our house is beautiful.

how my kids don't have their own rooms,
how it's okay that my kids don't have their own rooms,
how we need an office,
a guest room,
a eat-in kitchen,
and how not having those things is okay too.
the list is endless really.
but i've never published them.

we have almost moved a million times,
we look at houses online daily,
but we never go for it.
we don't want to change schools,
we love our neighborhood,
we will make do.
mostly it's because i'm scared.
scared to change.

on thursday, our next door neighbors
said they are moving.
they gave us first dibs.
i developed an ulcer.

we looked at the house,
we loved the house,
i developed chest pains.

on friday we called the realtor.
we got our financial ducks in a row.
the realtor looked at both houses on saturday.
i think two clumps of my hair fell out.

today she called and said,
"can you have your house ready for someone to look -
tomorrow?"
i had trouble breathing.

we cleaned and scoured and decluttered.
i almost cried four times.
once because i really don't want to pack all this junk.
once because most all my memories are here.
once because my kids are sad to move.
and once because i am kind of excited to have more space.

but it would be so much more exciting
if we sold this house first.
and that is why i think i have hives.
gulp.

what's your sunday confession? 
the confessional is open.